I'm Your Ho

Vietnam Pics Posted

2008-02-29T14:36:00.001-05:00

Amanda and I finally sorted through the 2,000 pics, and narrowed it down to about 800. I would have had more, but unfortunately I lost one of my memory cards on the way back home. Very sad.

But the remaining pics are all good, so check them out on my flickr page.

Mmmm...Salmonella

2008-02-12T08:25:00.000-05:00

So, after a couple visits to the doctor, it was determined that I caught Salmonella in Vietnam. There isn't much I can do other than stay hydrated and tough it out.

In the end, I must say that I have never wished for such a swift death than when I was sick in Vietnam.

I think it's something everyone should enjoy at least once in their life.

End Of The Road

2008-01-18T23:26:00.001-05:00

Day 22: Return to the States
Today is our last day of the vacation. Since I am still sick, I take it easy, and we all head to the market for last minute gifts. Amanda picks up a bunch of stuff, while I finally get my hands on the snake wine I've been promising my coworkers.

We do finally get a chance to eat some dog. It's not too bad, but a little bit chewy. I guess it's all in how you marinate it.

Three weeks in Vietnam and Thailand is just about the right amount of time. I went for just over two weeks last time, and that is way too short. I think that had I not gotten sick, I would have enjoyed myself a lot more. I'm probably good until at least 2012.

But overall, I had a great time. There were many great memories and funny stories that came out of this trip. I hope that everyone else had a great time too.

Return to Saigon

2008-01-18T23:18:00.002-05:00

Day 21: Floating Market in Can Tho
Before we leave Long Xuyen, we indulge in the local breakfast: steak and eggs. They use a hot cast iron griddle plate, throw on the marinated beef, onions, garlic, and then crack two eggs on top. All this with about a ladle full of grease. I am amazed at how the servers can bring the plate to the table, with grease spilling over the sides, without burning themselves. After eating the meal and feeling 12 pounds heavier, we head out of Long Xuyen.

The only stop for the day is a floating market in Can Tho. We rent a boat and head out to the market, where a bunch of people just paddle around selling their goods out of their canoe. Anny buys a lot of fruit, but aside from that, there isn't too much to buy. Still, it was very neat to see an actual floating market.

We reach Saigon in record time. I notice that though the speed limit is 60 km/h, the driver cracks 100 km/h. Pretty fast considering the traffic and roads. He was going balls to the wall. We spend the rest of the day just relaxing, not doing much. I get a haircut (and another ear cleaning).

Joe experiences his first ear cleaning. I am left speechless. The pictures tell a better story than I ever could.

Out In The Country

2008-01-18T23:04:00.001-05:00

Day 19: Long Xuyen
With only a single night's rest, we head out to Kiet's hometown of Long Xuyen, a 4 hour drive. I've been there before, and it's a decent sized city. I find it funny that the girls keep saying that it's country, though neither of them have ever been to the city.

When we arrive, we visit Nui Sam, a mountain which has a bunch of houses and shrines built into it. It's a long climb up the top, and the norovirus is not cooperating. Amanda and I make it about a third of the way, then head back down. The rest of the group make it to the top, then take a mopeds back down...to the other side of the mountain. Good thing we have cell phones.

Later in the evening, we eat some beef hotpots out on the front porch. Kiet's mom had told us that there aren't any mosquitoes around this time of year. Apparently, the off-season for mosquitoes means there's only about 10,000 directly around you at any given time. Nothing a little 25% DEET can't handle.

Luckily Kiet's parent's house has 2 bedrooms with A/C, so we manage to sleep in there instead of out in the open like a feast for the skeeters. Before I go to bed, Kiet's mom offers me 5 pills, allegedly to help my stomach out. I choke down all 5, and sleep it off.

Day 20: Long Xuyen
The pills help a little, but not entirely. I mention this to Kiet's parents, and within minutes, they come back from the pharmacy with 8 pills. I don't think the Vietnamese believe in coating their pills. I take about 10 minutes to down them all with about a liter of water. I pray I don't OD on whatever the hell it is I just took.

We stop by Kiet's cousin's wedding, where we simply have a meal outside. The tabletop gas stove does not alleviate the 90 degree weather. But the food was good.

After the wedding, we head to another mountain, Nui Cam. It is a 4 hour climb up the stairs, so we pay for the car to take us up. The first thing we notice near the top is a giant Buddha statue. As we get closer, we dub the place "Buddha World". It seems like they are in the process of turning this area into a lame touristy spot. The giant Buddha isn't as big up close, and it's hollow inside, as if it were made of plaster. I am underwhelmed.

Vietnam War II

2008-01-18T23:00:00.001-05:00

Day 16-18: Return to Da Nang, Nha Trang, Saigon
We begin the long arduous journey home, hitting the major cities again. On Day 16 to Da Nang, I pick something up from the food or a glass of iced coffee. It must be some virus or bacteria, because it really did a number on my entire system. I end up vomiting, getting the shakes, a fever, and explosive runs. It's bad. And I have to suffer with it for 3 days, on a bumpy bus ride.

Special Massage?

2008-01-18T22:47:00.001-05:00

Day 15: Quang Binh
We wake up bright and early and head out to the Phong Na Caverns in Quang Binh. It's dark, and our lame point and shoot cameras struggle with the low lighting. I think one of us will use this as an excuse to get an uber camera, perhaps a DSLR.

We stay in the only 4-star hotel of the trip, and it is very nice. The entire hotel has a contemporary design to it. This is good, because the town is so small, there is absolutely nothing to do outside of the hotel. The tour guide warned us that a common way the local criminals mug you is by using a dirty syringe in order to get your money. That does not sound like a good time. Needless to say we stay in for the night.

One of the amenities of this fine establishment is a massage parlor. All of us decide to get one, though Amanda opts for a foot massage only. The night starts off with a bang, as I am the first to go and get undressed. There is no dressing room really, just a little alcove with lockers. The guy tells me to strip down and put on a towel. I tried to do this quickly, so that I don't expose my frank and beans to anyone. Unfortunately, I forget that the waiting room is within sight. Apparently, Kiet was wondering where people get changed, and as he glanced around, he caught a glimpse of my kibbles and bits. I think he may need to get some therapy as he seems rather traumatized.

Flashing aside, we all get down to towels only, and spend about 10 minutes in a steamroom. Then we move to a sauna for a few minutes before we shower off. The girls here are wearing some pretty skimpy skirts, and we all start to wonder...could this be the special massage place?

My girl comes into my room, and she looks like she's about to bust out of her top. Sweet. Throughout the massage, I notice that she is...grazing...my crotch. At first I pass it off as an accident, or just part of the massage. Then I realize that she could easily be massaging me without grinding her elbows into my junk. I have to concentrate on not getting excited, because who knows where that would lead.

After about 45 minutes of fuck-me eyes, I am certain that I probably could have propositioned her. Alas, I am married, and have some morals (don't I?), so I leave it alone.

What The Hell Did You Say?

2008-01-16T20:14:00.005-05:00

Day 12: Da Nang
We do almost nothing but travel all day to Da Nang. This is the roughest travel day yet. There is only one sight seeing stop, which is the Tay Son family home. More historical sight seeing, not much too write about here.

Day 13: Hue
On the way to Hue, we stop in Hoi An. There is a silk factory, where it's kinda neat to find out that they harvest silk by boiling the silkworm coccoons. There is a Hoi An ancient town, but Joe is the only one that wants to see it. The rest of us shop around town.

Most of the trip to Hue today is through the mountains. The scenery was quite nice . We traveled alongside the ocean amongst some cliffs. The sharp turns look like they would be conducive to rallying...I think the bus driver has a fear of braking, because we hit some of these turns pretty hard. Maybe he was trying to three wheel it.

As we enter the Hue, or central, region of Vietnam, the accents here are incredible...incredibly difficult to understand. In Vietnam, there are three distinct accents: Northern, Southern, and Central. Northern is considered the "proper" or "formal" way to speak. Southern is just like the Southern accent in the US: kinda lazy-like, but easy to understand. Central is just god-awful. I liken the Central accent to a Scottish or Cockneyed British accent. Sure, it's technically English, but I don't have a damn clue what you just said.

In the evening, we take a cruise on the Huong River, or Perfume River. On the boat, there are Hue performers singing traditional regional music, and playing some of the craziest instruments I've ever seen. One lady had tea cups, and another guy played a dan bau, which is a Vietnamese monochord. The weird thing is that the pitch changes not by shortening the length of the string like a guitar, but by tightening or loosening the string. Very interesting.

Day 14: Hue again
Hue is the only town where we get to spend two nights in a row in the same place. It's nice to not have to pack up in the morning. We spend the day visiting some mausoleums and tombs. Nothing of note, except that at one of the mausoleums, Kiet buys a coconut bigger than his head. Even the locals are amused at the comparison.

Little Town On The Ocean

2008-01-14T06:31:00.001-05:00

Day 11: Quy Nhon

We leave Nha Trang for Quy Nhon, making a few stops along the way. First, we head to the beach for a few hours, taking in the ocean and the fresh seafood. It was a little cold for the water, so we just sat on the beach and ate.

Next we stopped at the tomb of Han Mac Tu, a famous Vietnamese Poet. I guess every Vietnamese child knows his poems. I don't know who he is, but his grave looks cool.

Eventually, we make it to Quy Nhon. This is a small college town, kinda like Gainesville. With not much to do, we all decided to once again indulge in a cheap massage right at the hotel. We question whether or not this is a "legitmate" massage, because the first thing we notice is a giant menu of sorts with all the different girls. I end up with a decent looking one, but no happy ending ensues.

I Wish I Were Dead

2008-01-14T05:07:00.002-05:00

So I haven't posted anything in a few weeks due to a combination of factors. One was the fact that I was traveling in the backwoods of Vietnam (there is such a thing), and an internet cafe was impossible to find, or the internet was down.

The other reason was that I think I contracted norovirus. Whatever it was, it caused things to be violently expelled from both ends of my body. Plus I had a fever and the craziest chills I've ever seen. I was shaking vigorously in the sun in 90 degree weather with a blanket. Not good.

The good news, is that I got sick at a time on the tour where we weren't seeing any sights. The bad news, is that we weren't seeing any sights because we were traveling for 8-12 hours a day to get back home. On a bus. Across really crappy roads. I have never wished for death to be so swift.

After 3 days, we make it to Long Xuyen, where Kiet's parents give me a Vietnamese pharmacist's cocktail. It's 5 various pills. Fearing nothing, I take all five. The next day, I feel better, but not 100%. Kiet's parents give me cocktail number two: eight pills. Have the Vietnamese never heard of coating their medicines? I choke down all 8, and as of today, I feel pretty decent.

I don't know if I'll update any more posts before I make it back to the states. But now you know why I've been slacking.

The Grand Tour Begins

2008-01-07T01:10:00.003-05:00

Day 10: Balls to the Wall
The day starts with a 4:30am wake up. The tour bus is coming to pick us up around 5:30am for our 9 day tour of Vietnam. Luckily I managed to pack all my crap last night after tearing up the night club. When we get on the bus, we find that we already have assigned seats. Normally, I really don't care, as long as I am near my friends. But apparently, Vietnamese people are of small stature. The seats are some of the narrowest I've ever seen, and the legroom is nonexistent. On top of that, Amanda and I get the seat on top of the wheel well, so whoever gets the window seat can't stretch their legs. It takes about 20 minutes into the ride to find out that these seats recline like a first class airplane seat: almost flat, or so it seems. I end up straddling the lady in front me, who likes to recline with no warning at full speed. My knees hurt from being knocked so many times. I end up splaying one or both my legs into the aisle.

Aside from the bus from hell, the trip starts nicely. Our first destination is Nha Trang, a beautiful but touristy beachside city. It takes most of the day to get there, so there wasn't much else going on for the day. We spend a some time at various beaches, but don't enter the water because it's a little chilly. By evening, we explore the city for bit, then take a citlo ride around town. A citlo is a 3 wheeled bicycle, with a seat big enough for 2 in front. The driver sits behind and pedals. It looks like hard work, especially since the bike isn't geared. But I don't feel too bad once I find out that my driver is smoking a cigarette and pedalling with one foot.

Once we reach the hotel, we all decide to get a special massage. No, not that kind of massage. It turns out the city is known for their blind masseuses. Supposedly, being blind allows you to be more aware with your sense of touch, or something. Things start off comically with the blind leading the blind, literally. One guy who can barely see, has 4 people holding their shoulders behind him, leading the way to your hotel. Once everyone splits off to their respective rooms, Amanda and I get started with our massage. We decide to go all Asian, and get the medicated oil massage, aka Tiger Balm. At one point, the massueses ask me something that I don't understand, so I say OK. Next thing I know, they bust out something that looks like a penis pump. Apparently, they were asking if I wanted to be "cupped". But instead of doing it old school with flames and a tea cup, they use a suction gun. Luckily, they don't do it too hard, and I'm am not left looking like I got in a fight with an giant octopus.

Getting Head For My Ears

2008-01-03T04:23:00.003-05:00

Day 9: Free Day in Saigon
There is not much planned for today, so we were free to take it easy. We wake up early and have a Vietnamese iced coffee, the first of many for the day. I love this stuff so much, it's like crack. The only scheduled event for the day is a family dinner for Kiet and Anny, in celebration of their marriage 8 months ago. In preparation, Kiet goes to the barber for a full haircut, which includes a facial massage, shave, and ear cleaning for about $1.25 American. Yes, I said ear cleaning. This is a Vietnamese thing (maybe other cultures do it, too, but I'm not sure). I go just for the ear cleaning. For those of you who don't know what this is, I'll try my best to explain it. The guy has a whole arsenal of tools, and uses them to slowly pick and pull all the earwax and crap out of your ears. It sounds scary, but since my dad used to do this to me as a kid, I'm not concerned, I'm looking forward to it. As they pick your ears clean, they leave the crap on your arms, so you can be amazed at the amount of crap that was in there before.

But it really isn't the ear cleaning that gives me a chubby, it's the swab that more or less looks like a pipe cleaner or mini chimney sweep that is the key here. Do you ever stick a Q-tip kinda deep into your ear, and just swirl it around? Does it feel kinda good? Multiply that by 100. It feels so good, and Kiet and I praise it so much, that Amanda even gives it a shot. It helps that I tell her these guys are professionals, and they've cleaned thousands of ears. Never mind that they've cleaned thousands of ears with the same set of tools...that's irrelevant. I take a couple good shots of her in action, including a priceless video clip of her toes curling. She likes to call it an eargasm.

I leave the place with the hearing of a bat. We dilly dally for most of the day, then get dressed up (by Vietnam standards...jeans and a button down), and head to Anny's Grandparents house for a dinner. The food is catered, and Kiet and Anny do the rounds. It's basically so that Kiet can meet Anny's side of the family.

After a few hours, we decide to head to a "happening" coffee shop, according to Kiet's cousin in Vietnam. We are the only people in the place, and the coffee drinks are literally 10 times as expensive as your average shop. Thit drinks two black russians, and due to her small stature, gets completely wasted. She ends up praying to the porcelain god in the middle of the night. We pack for our 9 day tour of Vietnam, and call it a night.

Sin Cities of Southeast Asia: Part 4

2008-01-02T08:00:00.006-05:00

Day 7: Back to Bangkok
Our time in the city of debauchery draws to a close, as we have to head back to Bangkok. Before we leave, we stop by a snake oil farm, which literally and figuratively sells snake oil. Chinese medicine uses all the parts of a snake to allegedly heal damn near every disease. Did you know snake gall bladders can heal an injured huckle bone? What the hell is a huckle bone?

After the snake oil farm, we find ourselves back in Bangkok. The tour prepares to go on a long shopping trip to a couple places, including "Big C". In case you didn't know what "Big C" is, it's a giant shopping center that sells all sorts of food, clothes, housewares, and other random stuff. In the States, we like to call these places Super Wal-Mart. We once again split from the tour group.

We head over to Wat Pho, which is the Temple of the Reclining Buddha. The main statue is huge, roughly 150 long and 50 feet tall. The rest of the complex is also large and beautiful, though it looks much like any other temple.

We head over to MBK, which is a 7 story shopping mall. Before we enter, we encounter another bug cart. Kiet, Anny, and Joe partake in the festivities, while Amanda and I record for posterity. The menu for the day is crickets and grasshoppers. There were some good shots, though no reversals.

MBK is a massive complex with everything under the sun. An interesting part of the day was the video arcade. They had some pretty neat games that I've never seen before, including an arcade version of Guitar Hero, and a bad-ass dueling shooting game.

As if 7 floors of stores wasn't enough, we head back to the night market near Lumpini Stadium. We take two tuk-tuk's there, who decide it would be fun to race each other the whole way down. I think we were drifting through some of the corners. Our driver was laughing like a madman in a bad movie. Everything ended well though, with no limbs lost. I end up buying a pair of Muay Thai boxing shorts at the market, which will be put to good use later on in the night.

It's about 10pm by the time we make it back to the hotel. Since it was New Year's eve, we wanted to at least celebrate in some way. So we head to the 7-11 and buy 5 tall-boys of various Thai beers. At some point in the night, I come into the room wearing only my Muay Thai trunks. Joe joins in. I am buzzing from the 6% Thai beer, and fall asleep by about 1am.

Day 8: Back to the Motherland
The plan for the tour group is to head to a Lotus shopping center, then fly out back to Vietnam. We find out that, once again, this "shopping center" is like a Super Duper Wal-Mart. We skip it, and try to find our own way around town.

We read in Joe's travel book that there is a penis shrine in the city, called the Tuptim or Lingam Shrine. We begin our quest to take photos of ourselves defiling various penises. Along the way to the shrine, Joe finally gets to ride on the Sky Train, something that he hasn't stopped talking about since we got to Thailand. Kiet and I have both taken it before, and it is nothing more than an elevated train. At least Joe can say he rode it. After walking what seems like miles, we reach the location of the shrine: the Nai Lert Park. The book says it is located in the back corner of the Nai Lert Park. To our surprise, Nai Lert Park isn't a park at all...it's a hotel called the Nai Lert Park. And the shrine area is about 20x40 ft large, behind the parking lot, near the dumpsters. Very odd. Nevertheless, we take multiple pictures of ourselves defiling various penises, angering the penis goddess. I fully expect my wang to shrivel and fall off sometime in the near future. Even Amanda got in on the action, simulating fellatio on a wang that was about 1 foot thick. It was hot.

After we get our rocks off on the wooden penises, we try to find some local shopping. After walking about two miles, we finally find a decent local market in the Siam Center. Amanda buys a few articles of clothing. Then we head back to the Super Duper Wal-Mart to join the group, and fly back to Vietnam. A quick bus ride, plane ride, then taxi ride, and we are back to Anny's aunt's house. Here we meet up with Thit, who is Anny's friend from Las Vegas. She will be joining us for the remainder of the vacation.

It's not too late when we get back to the house, so we all decide to hit a Vietnamese night club. After busting out my blue jeans, short sleeved linen shirt, and sneakers, I'm ready to go. I never thought I could find a place where my dancing would be cool. In fact, I was way cooler than everyone else in the place, at least by American standards. As we enter and pay 150,000 dong to get in (which is a helluva lot of money, so these are all rich kids), we are greeted by about 20 security guards and staff. One guy leads us around to find a suitable table, and we end up upstairs. The first thing I notice is that there are about 10 security guards in an area about the size of a living room. Before I can say anything, a waiter comes to get our drinks. We order some Heineken, which the waiter brings, along with ice. I reach for the can (not bottle, mind you), but the waiter grabs it, and begins to pour it for me. Over ice. I guess that's how they roll, even though the can was cold. The waiters are so relentless, and the guards so overwhelming, that I begin to think we are in some sort of VIP section. But it turns out that's how all the night clubs are. I reach for my camera to take some pics, but the guards kindly stop me. Asians seem to be extremely adverse to allowing photos being taken. Maybe that explains why they take so many when they come to America.

As we look down below, I begin to notice a pattern with the kids there: buy a couple of bottles of cognac (no such thing as shots), and stand around. Even those who dare to dance do so in such a way that we all can't help but stare and laugh. They don't really move, just kinda sway. And at certain times during songs, people will start jumping like House of Pain is playing live. Some of the kids have glow sticks, but don't dance like a 14 year old girl on meth. They just kinda wave their arms lazily in the air, while their partner dances beneath, as if the glow sticks are dropping candy pinata style. When we decided to leave, random security guards will come up to us, grab our hands, smile, and wish us a happy new year.

Thus concludes our Thailand adventures.

Sin Cities of Southeast Asia: Part 3

2007-12-31T22:39:00.001-05:00

Day 6: Pattaya
Today is the busiest day yet for the tour, as we decide to partake in all the scheduled events, rather than going off on our own. We wake up at the butt crack of dawn (6:30am) to take a 20 minute speedboat ride to a small island. On the way, we stop by a floating barge where they have a parasailing area setup. Anny and Joe do it, Kiet and I did it last time, and Amanda wussed out. It's amusing that some of the workers are fully decked out in long pants and shirts, as well as ski masks.

We reach the island where the tour guides have a "reserved area" for us, right near the smoky and noisy boat landing. The price to rent a chair is 50, 100, and 200 baht, depending on the proximity to the water. Instead, we walk 50 yards down the beach and get our own chairs away from everyone else for 20 baht. What rebels we are.

The island is full of little shops selling all sorts of stuff, and tons of places to eat fresh seafood. We settle on steamed conch and oysters, as well as grilled prawns the size of my head. Eating fresh seafood on a nice beach is a pretty surreal experience. I recommend everyone try it someday.

After a couple hours, the group heads back to the mainland, and prepare to hit the road after lunch, stopping at four places. First stop is an orchid garden, where Amanda is quite impressed with the flora. I just think it has pretty colors.

Next is an elephant show. This is basically a circus act with about 15 elephants. They do various tricks like riding a tricycle, playing basketball, bowling, and soccer. They even paint a couple pictures and throw some darts. The best part of the whole trip was when we got a good shot of an elephant pissing. It was like a fire hose.

Then we headed off to see "Thai Alangkarn". The place seemed to pull some ideas from Disneyland, though not executed quite as well. At first I thought it was some sort of theme park revolving around Thai culture (like Disney's California Adventure). It turns out, there is only a single theater show. No rides or anything else of note. Damn, the show was long and drawn out. I fell asleep about 15 minutes in. Amanda tells me it was half decent.

The last show of the day is the best. It's the "Tiffany Show", a.k.a. ladyboy show. There are probably 30 ladyboys (trannies) performing different song and dance numbers. Fortunately, they all lip sync, because it would be odd to see a hot shim bust out a man voice. If you check out the pics, there are some of the hottest things I have seen. I try to avoid a Crying Game moment in my head.

We had back to the hotel of funk, and by this time Kiet & Anny are tired. They retire for the night, while Joe, Amanda, and myself head back to Walking Street. On the way, I was forced to hold a promise I made three years ago. I saw a bug cart, and the moment of truth was upon me. I had to eat a cricket. Admittedly the cricket smelled absolutely wonderful, and looked pretty good when sauteed with some onions. We bought a bag of crickets for about 50 cents, and also bought some bottled water to wash it down. After about 10 minutes of inspecting the critters closely (which probably didn't help any), we all took turns downing a cricket while taking lots of pictures. It didnt taste too bad, but the texture and the legs are just a little too much. I'm glad I finally ate one, and I'm glad I don't plan to go back to Thailand again.

Great Firewall of China

2007-12-31T10:29:00.000-05:00

It must extend into Vietnam. Because as soon as I posted about the sex shows in Pattaya, I could no longer access my blog. Thinking it was a rogue internet cafe with an overzealous firewall, I tried another cafe. Though if you think about it, the likelihood of the internet cafe monkeys even knowing how to setup ZoneAlarm is so low, that it must be a government thing.

Sure enough, I've been denied access to my blog throughout Vietnam.

So I've had to resort to the magic that is port 3389 on my home PC. By the time I come back to the States, I'll probably have a WoW gold farming operation running on my home computer. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed for some sort of botnet attack. At least I can say my computer was part of something greater.

Sin Cities of Southeast Asia: Part 2

2007-12-30T12:40:00.001-05:00

Day 5: Pattaya
On our way from Bangkok to Pattaya, we stop by a diamond center. The tour starts off with a cheesy video which is in Vietnamese, so I just look at the pretty rocks on the screen. Then we head to the showroom, which is like Zales on crack. The best part are the dozens of sales ladies who pick their mark as soon as they enter the room. Amanda and I had a lady tailing us the whole time we were there, eager to ~~sell us some cheap diamonds~~ help us with any questions we may have. Amanda, of her own free will and accord, did not purchase anything.

Back on the road, it takes 2 hours to reach Pattaya. We check into the second worst hotel I have ever seen (the first being in Saigon from 2004). The foul odor from the hallway luckily did not extend into the room, though the dingy carpet did. Amanda and I would end up sleeping like a 60's sitcom couple: in two twin beds.

After dinner we all had a choice of which "sex shows" we wanted to visit. There was a selection of four different shows, and you could see any or all of them. Amanda and I both decided to watch just one show, since I had seen this stuff before, and she didn't really need 4 hours worth of freakiness. My friends took the three show package.

The show itself was run-of-the-mill Thai sex show. It had the usual pulling of razor blades out the vag, inserting and ejecting live goldfish from the vag, playing horns with the vag, writing notes with the vag...As a matter of fact, everything involved the vag. The highlight of the show for me (as it was last time) was the live hummingbird on a string. Man, that thing looks pissed.

When my friends left to go to the other shows, Amanda and I hit the local night market, then called it a night. When my friends came back, they convinced me to head out to Walking Street, which is the essence of Pattaya. This is where all the beer bars, go-go bars, hookers, and tourists are concentrated. I tried to take as many pictures as I could of old white men and young Thai hookers. It's tough to take night shots with a point-and-shoot, but I got some good results.

Sin Cities of Southeast Asia: Part 1

2007-12-29T20:41:00.001-05:00

Day 3: Bangkok
Today we leave Saigon for Thailand. We met the rest of our tour group for the first time. Sure enough, it's filled with old Vietnamese people. There is one other rather young couple, but they are local to Vietnam, so we don't speak to them much.

It's a 1 hour flight to Thailand, so we barely finished our snack by the time we land. We all pile onto the charter bus, which thankfully has A/C. You've never seen a place filled with so many tour buses; there are more here than Orlando.

On the way to Bangkok, we stop by an awesome crocodile farm. Actually, it looks like it once was an awesome farm, and now it's deserted save for the occasional tour group. I took tons of pictures and movies, hoping I'd get lucky with a shot of the trainer getting his arm/head bitten off. No Luck.

We reach Bangkok and check into our hotel, which is above average. After dinner, we cross the street and enter one of the thousands of massage parlors. No, we did not get a happy ending. Just a regular oil massage. I swear the women here have hands of steel. I got bruises on my legs from the rubdown. And this wasn't even one of the famous Thai massages, which really hurt like hell.

Day 4: Bangkok
First on the day's itinerary was a trip to the Grand Palace and adjacent Emerald Wat. It's quite a spread, with lots of shiny stuff. That's pretty much it. The rest of the day, we were supposed to go to a "spy show" (think Indiana Jones at MGM studios, but way more lame) and a "dolphin show" (again, think Sea World divided by 1000). Since Kiet and I have suffered through these shows on our last trip in 2004, we spared everyone else in our group the same torture.

Instead, we bailed out of the group, and walked to a local market near one of the main canals. We took a 90 minute boat tour of a bunch of back canals, taking in the local lifestyle. Thailand, though rather poor, still has its beautiful moments. When we landed, we ate lunch at the market, then took a tuk-tuk back to the hotel. Navigating the busy streets of Bangkok in a three-wheeled motor vehicle is almost as crazy as mopeds in Saigon, though not quite.

By then, the group was back from their shows (they were all amazed at the pyrotechnics), and were getting ready for dinner. We stayed separate from the group, ate on our own, and headed off to what would be a highlight of the trip: a Muay Thai fight in Lumphini Stadium.

We bought ringside tickets for 2000 baht (about $60 USD). Apparently, it's damn near impossible to buy non-ringside tickets from anyone. They say it's "safer" for you in the VIP section, though we all know it's because we're foreign and we're big ballers. We get there, and our seats were pretty good. We were in the last row of the ringside section, which is only about 8 rows back. There were 7 matches that night and a few of them were pretty badass. Final tally: two knockouts, five decisions, no muggings.

After the fight, we head to a nearby night market, grab some grub, and head home. Tomorrow, we hit the road to Pattaya.

Welcome To The Jungle

2007-12-26T04:37:00.004-05:00

Day 1: Saigon
So the 26 hour trip is finally done, and we are in the midst of our first full day in Saigon. We are staying at Anny's Aunt's house in the city. Her family owns a little used moped shop, and the house is in the back of the shop. They reserved two bedrooms for us, with one having an A/C unit. All of us slept in that room.

Day 2: Saigon on mopeds
We start the day off in tradition Vietnamese style: with an iced coffee. I plan on having at least 4 of these suckers a day every day that I am in Vietnam. Anything less would be a sin. After a hearty breakfast of pho, we paid four guys $10 each to chauffeur us around the city for the day on their modeds (her uncle was #5). Mopeds are a lot easier than trying to find a cab for the 5 of us. Plus it's a hell of a lot more fun to ride around in. If you don't know what the traffic is like over here, you'll have to check out the pics and movies as soon as I can get them posted. Traffic lights and road markings are more of a suggested guideline than the rule. You go where you can, when you can. There is also no such thing as jaywalking, so you gotta be on your toes. Spending the day on the mopeds was one of the best parts of the trip thus far, and it's only Day one.

We checked out two of the big markets in Siagon. I eyeball a couple of cobra wine bottles, though I haven't seen the mouse fetus yet. I know it's out there somewhere, and I plan on bringing some back as souvenirs.

The local food was delicious, though nothing too exotic for me yet (no dog, cat or horse meat yet). I haven't dared to drink the water, though I did have several drinks with ice in it. So far, the intestines are holding up well. I will keep you posted on that storyline, as I know you are all interested.